The Pounding

I'm having a migraine today.
Imitrex is a wonder drug.
But the experience still sucks.

Thanks to "A Perfect World" for this.



I'm going to go lie in a dark room now.

That is all.

Marvelous Nuances

I love language. I do. All the twists and nuances and shades of meaning fascinate me no end.

I often find myself searching for exactly the right word to express myself. I find it deeply satisfying when I land upon just the right turn of a phrase.

One thing I particularly enjoy is when there a several words that all express the same general idea but with subtle differences, like pernicious, baneful, noxious, deleterious and detrimental. Or how about sarcastic, ironic, caustic, satirical and sardonic?

I'm also quite fond of it when words from other languages wander into common usage ... like schadenfreude.

And then there are words that are just plain fun ... words like giggle, sparkle, doily and one of my all-time favorites ... callipygous.

Oh Goody

The XBox 360 goes on sale in less than 2 hours. It's amazing, next generation hardware! Yay!

So let's see what games are available ... racing games, sports games, role-playing games and fight games.

Zzzzzzzzzz..........

I'll wait for the Playstation 3. Thanks.

How to Protect Your PC for Free

Here is the new, simple, reality of using the Internet.

Ready?

If you haven't already taken some pretty comprehensive steps to protect your PC, the following statement is 100% guaranteed....

You are infected with spyware, viruses and/or worms.

Now a lot of people still cling to the belief that because they are not a bank or the CIA they are not targets. This was true in 1988, but not anymore. While it may be true that there is nothing of interest to hackers on your hard drive. Your computer itself is very interesting to them.

Your computer is fast and it is connected to the Internet. If it can be hijacked, they can steal your passwords, credit cards, bank accounts or commit identity theft. They can copy every file on your hard drive, use your computer to send out millions of spam messages or turn your PC into a porn server. And all this can be done without the hacker ever having to target you specifically. They run scripts that scan the Internet for people who haven't protected their PCs. The hacking and control of your system has all been automated. So unless you stop them, your computer will join the legion of zombie PCs doing the bidding of Internet scammers who never even need to know your name to recruit your computer to their evil purposes.

Being "a nobody" no longer offers any protection. Your computer is being scanned for vulnerabilites, every single day it is connected to the Internet. "It'll never happen to me" just doesn't cut it any more. Chances are, it's already happened to you.

So here are two plans for protecting yourself.

PLAN A -- Switch to Macintosh ... really. What are you waiting for? Since the release of Mac OS X five years ago do you know how many viruses and spyware programs have successfully breached the security of the Mac system? Zero. None. Not one. If you use a Mac, instead of spending 10 hours a month trying to keep the forces of evil off your computer, you can actually work. Quell Fromage!

PLAN B -- OK, fine. You're keeping your Micro$oft PC. So your need to take some proactive steps to protect yourself.

1. From a security standpoint, Microsoft Internet Explorer is possibly the worst program ever foisted upon the public. For non-existent, all-powerful entity's sake, stop using it! Switch to Firefox. It's far more secure and has lots of nifty features like, tabbed browsing, RSS feed support and a built-in pop-up blocker.
2. If your don't have an anti-virus program, get one. AVG Anti-Virus is free. Whatever anti-virus program you use, be sure to keep it up to date.
3. Viruses and spyware are two different threats. Anti-virus software will not protect you from spyware! If all you have is the Norton or McAfee anti-virus program that came with your system, it is not enough. Get AdAware and Spybot Search and Destroy and use them both. There's so much spyware out there, that one program isn't enough to protect you.
   
4. If your PC plugs directly into your DSL or cable modem you are totally exposed and at much greater risk of having your system completely hijacked. It's much safer to connect your computer to the Internet through a router, like a Linksys or an Apple AirPort. They all have simple but effective firewalls built in through a system called Network Address Translation (NAT). If you don't have a hardware router, you need a software firewall. Download ZoneAlarm. Or if you're using XP at least turn on the Windows Firewall. It's not that great but it's better than nothing. Note, one firewall is enough. If you have a router, you don't need a software firewall. If you use a software firewall, only use one.
5. Disable Windows Autoplay. This dangerous Microsoft Windows "feature" is one of the ways that stuff like the Sony Music rootkit gets on your computer in the first place.
6. Run Windows Update often and keep up to date with all the latest Microsoft security patches. Windows 2000 and XP users can set Windows Update to run automatically.

Notice two things ... first, Plan A is a lot easier than Plan B.

And second, Plan B is all free. So it's perfect for you starving artist types.

Corporate Hubris

It is with deep satisfaction that I've been watching the evil fuckers at Sony Music get spanked and spanked hard. They released millions of music CDs that when inserted into a Windows PC, install software that hides itself on your system. The intent of the software is to prevent you from copying the music you paid for, even legally. The real effect of this malware is to slow down your computer, make it unstable and open a gaping security hole through which viruses can take over your whole system.

Sony is taking a well-deserved beating in the press.

Wikipedia: 2005 Sony CD copy protection controversy
CNET: Security Watch: To be "0wned" by Sony
The New York Times: Who has the right to control your PC?

Even Microsoft, hardly the bastion of corporate ethics, has pronounced the Sony software to be malware.

Over half a million name servers on the Internet show evidence of Sony's rootkit trying to phone home. Here's a map showing the spread of the Sony spyware infection in just a few short months. (Click the map for a larger view.)



As usual, Macintosh and Linux users are entitled to feel smug about their systems not being affected by this crap.

Sony claims they had no bad intent. Bull-fucking-shit! This was an act of spectacular arrogance and they will pay the price. Two viruses that exploit the Sony malware have already emerged. And two class action lawsuits have already been filed. More are likely. The public outcry forced Sony to recall all the affected CDs. In a supreme irony, Sony is offering customers the chance to download MP3s of the copy-protected music they bought ... the very thing the rootkit was supposed to prevent in the first place.

It has now emerged that the Sony software is itself a copyright violation. Sony used open-source software that it did not create without complying with the license for that software. In other words, they stole someone else's software in a lame attempt to prevent the stealing of music. Hypocrites.

But their arrogance doesn't stop there.

At first Sony refused to say what CDs had their nasty little invader on them. But then they acquiesced and published this list. Before they'd give you the malware uninstaller they demanded you surrender your email address, a further invasion of privacy. And their first uninstaller actually installed more software that couldn't be unistalled.

After their uninstaller was denounced, Sony withdrew it to rewrite it. So at the moment, their is no uninstaller available from Sony. They promise to release one here eventually.

So you need a third-party, anti-spyware program to get Sony's claws out of your system.

And those assholes at the RIAA defend Sony saying they did nothing wrong. Unbelievable! Well ... actually ... totally believable. It's just more of their usual stuff.

The fabulous Electronic Frontier Foundation is leading the charge against Sony.

The Sony Music Execs should be strung up by their huge balls.

It's stuff like this that drives honest people to piracy.

As so many villains have said in so many films ...

I will enjoy watching you die.

One-Stop Shopping

Where can you get impregnated by aliens and the morning after pill all at one location? Only in SoHo.

Luscious

I was thinking my blog needed more tits.

Mirelly performs ...

... the dance of a thousand ... uh ... boots?

What A Way To Go

For as long as I can remember, my father said he wanted to die as a result of being hit by a semi-truck full of toilet seats and be found with one around his neck. (Dad always was the sophisticated sort.)

Alas, when we buried him, my family could not be convinced to fulfill this wish of his. So in tribute, I thought I'd share this homage to his final wish that I created some years ago. I give you ...

Death By Toilet Seat


I sent him this photo back when I first created it with nothing else in the envelope. He called me laughing so hard I could barely understand him. I think his exact words were, "what the hell is this, you son of a bitch?"

Rest in peace, Dad.

Where's Macy?

Hey Boys and Girls!

It's time for everyone's favorite show ... Where's Macy?

Watch 'n' Learn

I mapped out a set for last night's gig that was about 12 minutes long, fully expecting to get cut short. To my surprise and delight, the producer left me up for the whole thing. Glad I was prepared.

One thing on my mind lately has been the idea of having all the bits I've ever written in my head at the ready. Recently I was reviewing my master joke list and realized that I had bits I'd literally forgotten about. I'm trying to work on mental cataloging techinques so that when I'm on stage thinking, "what should I do next based on how they've responded so far" I can conjure a mental menu on the fly. This is hard. Very hard. A lot harder than expected. The number of things a comic is trying to keep in his head at once is staggering ... all while trying to seem relaxed and casual and like, "it's no big deal."

The format for comedy shows is pretty similar at most clubs ... an MC, some number of comics, and a headliner is last, usually the best and most experienced comic in the show. If find this does two things for me.

First, it's a pleasure to watch an experienced comic do their thing. It's inspiring. I'm always trying to glean tips ... not of things to directly mimic. I watch more with an eye on technique. It gives me something to strive toward.

Second, sharing the stage with superb performers shows me just how much there remains for me to learn. It keeps me humble.

I'm proud of how far I've come. And I'm keenly aware of how far I have left to go.


I watched George Carlin's latest HBO special this week. As always, his command of the English language is nothing short of terrifying.

Midnight Fantasy in Quinine

Oh, Ed, you're so fucking street.

Too F*ckin' Weird

Apparently I have been going around commanding Mormons to jam grease guns up cows' noses.

Which, as far as my research has been able to discover, looks something like this and this.

I have just *got* to do something about that sleepwalking of mine.

(My favorite part of this post is that I get to use the possessive plural, "cows' noses". How often do you get to do that?! Not nearly often enough, I say!)

LiveJournal Help, Please

OK, you lot. I need your help. Puleeeease.

It's come to my attention that some of you LiveJournal types who are interested in reading my rants are missing out because I use the Blogger.com engine and not LiveJournal. But I have also figured out, I think, that I can subscribe my own, free LiveJournal account to this feed and then you all can see it much easier.

Here's the catch. Only a paid LiveJournal user can syndicate this feed for the benefit of other LiveJournal users. Since my whole goal here is to avoid subcribing to Live Journal I'm hoping one of you, my adoring fans, with a paid Live Journal account will offer to help me.

All I need you to do is set up the thing for me. And then it will take care of itself.

Please email or comment if you can help.

In return, I offer one tech support help call for the problem of your choice, absolutely free.

Much thanks.

Drat!

If I can't gaywalk, may I at least homo stroll?

Laptop Alley

Look! We're so hip sitting at Starbucks in The Village, sipping our mocha soy lattes while working on our screenplays. Don't you wish you were us?

A Perfect Weekend

This weekend I went to Philly to headline Kelli Dunham's show, "Gayety!" and to spend some time with Kelli, Brian and Bevin. It was fabulous, fantastic and exactly what I needed after a rough month.

The show went swimmingly. We had a full house, about 35 people. The audience was 90 percent lesbians. I've never played an overwhelmingly lesbian crowd before. This made for some interesting differences in audience response. Some usually reliable jokes got nothing. And I found some big, big laughs in places I never got them before.

I also had my first experience with politically correct outrage from a fan, which was fascinating. Kelli has warned me about this kind of stuff. "Dude, you can say 'retard' if you want, but I know for a fact there will be four nurses in the audience who work with special needs kids."

I did a joke about people in floral print muumuus hating me for being naturally skinny. This provoked an angry email which I received a day later, which bewildered me. The premise of the joke is that people should not be singled out for hatred based on the shape of their bodies. This is exactly the position of "pro-fat activists". The joke even goes so far as to say that even when I am the object of a fat person's hatred for being skinny, I do not return that hatred even though it would be easy to do so.

The letter included the usual "Topic X is not funny!" I've received these sorts of letters from my family for making fun of Mormons in my act.

As I sit and think about my jokes, I'm certain I could find someone to be offended by nearly all of them. And were I to remove everything that's potentially offensive, I'd be left with virtually nothing.

But I certainly understand the writer's point of view. I continue to marvel, and to be offended myself, at the frequency with which I still hear fag jokes from straight comics in New York clubs. The same comics who think nothing of dropping the F-word know their careers would be over if they started dropping the N-word instead. Even Jon Stewart, who I adore, will drop an occasional "fag" or "queer" in his show. But I have seen every single episode of The Daily Show for a few years now and never once have I heard him use the N-word. The N-word is forbidden. It's so forbidden we can't even say the word when talking about the word, so we call it the N-word. The F-word is just naughty.

I remember John Cleese once saying in an interview that enforcing political correctness is making everyone conform to the sensibilities of the most sensitive and easily offended.

Trying to argue someone out of their sensitivities is pointless. Look at all the rednecks in the South trying to convince blacks they shouldn't be offended by the Confederate Flag. Never gonna happen. (And, BTW, I agree, the Confederate Flag is incredibly offensive when attached to a state flag.)

So what's a comic to do? I think the answer is to simply be aware of what an audiences' sensibilities are or are likely to be.

My most favorite joke of all the jokes I've ever written is my notorious "Swedish Ass Fucking Joke." I do not perform this joke for the tourists at my Times Square gig. Is it funny? Absolutely. Will it get a laugh from that crowd? Usually not. Another of my ass fucking jokes actually got "booed" at that gig once. Booed! No matter how funny I think the joke is, I'd be an idiot to ignore this.

So the lesson here is that a room full of pro-fat lesbian activists is not gonna go for the floral print muumuu jokes. Quell Shock! And no amount of explaining and justifying is going change their sensibilities.

Ah! It's just hit me. I am used to gauging how racy I can be with a conservative audience. I need to also gauge how satirical I can be on certain topics with a PC audience. Same concept. Different perspective. After all, giving up a few fat jokes is a small price to pay when they'll laugh at every one of my ass fucking jokes.

Getting back to the show ... it was fantastic ... my best show yet. I had planned to plan and rehearse the thing to death. But in the days leading up to it, I found I just wasn't in the mood. "I know this stuff."

I made a set list the morning of the show and reviewed the scripts for some of the bits I hadn't done in a while on the bus. That was it. And it was plenty.

I went in, relaxed and confident. The minor PC issue aside, this was an incredibly sympathetic audience. I knew I wouldn't have to "work" to "get" them.

The show just flowed naturally. I had a good time chatting with them. And I found a new intro bit I've been wanting to figure out. I have a bit to introduce being gay to straight audiences. Now I have a bit for gay audiences.

I did a lot of writing early this year. Based on some industry feedback I received, the second half of this year I've been trying to catch up the quality of my performance to the quality of my writing. I feel like I have now achieved that goal. A new standard has been set. The bar has been raised. I have a new, stable platform from which to build and grow.

I'm ready to take it to the next level. I'm ready for what's next.

The Rules

At last week's show I broke a simple rule ("Don't open with new material") and paid a predictable price (blank stares). Which made me realize a few things about creative "rules".

First, as they say, "learn the rules before you break them."

Creative rules aren't so much restrictions or prohibitions as they are the collected wisdom of those who have gone before. "Hey kid, do whatever you want, but thousands of artists before you have found that X, Y and Z. Do your own thing. But ignore this at your own peril."

The moral of the story ... if I'm gonna break the rules, I'll do it for a reason.