Die AOL! Die! Die! Die!

I loathe AOL.

Such are my feelings for AOL that I looked up "loathe" in a thesaurus to see if there is a word that is stronger. There isn't. But I can do this....

I abhor AOL.
I despise AOL.
I detest AOL.
I deplore AOL.
I deprecate AOL.
I disapprove of AOL.
I disdain AOL.
I disfavor AOL.
I execrate AOL.
I scorn AOL.
I Mother-Fucking Hate AOL!

It wasn't always this way. I joined AOL almost 20 years ago when it had 70,000 users. Back then it was a super-cool, Mac-only service. Steve Case sent us a personal email every month thanking us for our support, for referring our friends and giving us a status update.

But now I hate them. The mere mention of AOL sends me into a rant. Which is ironic because I've actually made tons of money from helping clients with AOL. The worse a service is, the more money I make providing support.

So by all rights I should love AOL. But I don't.

I hate them because their service is so bad that it offends me, philosophically. I hate them because their user base is a cesspool of stupid. They have 35 million customers, all of whom seem intent on personally forwarding messages to me on topics like how to cure a heart attack by coughing.

When I try explain to people, as gently as I possibly can, why forwarding this crap around is actually harmful and not helpful, somehow I end up as the bad guy. (Go figure.)

"Gee, Dale, I was just trying to help. It seemed important and I know you like the Internet, so I thought you'd want to know about the Olympic Torch Virus. Why are you being such a jerk?"

It doesn't matter how polite I try to be, people don't like being told that they've been duped and that their messages are not welcome. After losing a couple casual friends after asking to be left out of such forwards, I've stopped trying.

And no matter how times I repeat it, people just don't seem to think I really mean it....

IF A MESSAGE WAS FORWARDED TO YOU, PLEASE, DO NOT EVER FORWARD IT TO ME.

Why is this simple concept so difficult for people to grasp?

Even people I've told, in writing, repeatedly, still forward me crap. They just put a comment on it, "I know you don't usually like these. But this one seemed important / urgent / dangerous / funny / whatever."

My monthly email volume is now 5,000-10,000 messages. I have been forced to implement four stages of spam filtering using the best software available. Four! And I still have trouble separating the messages I vitally need from the ones I don't.

But I digress.

This started as a rant about AOL and it's degenerated into a rant about stupid people clogging up my inbox. So let me return, if I can, to my point.

The fact that a person still uses AOL for professional email is such a clear and reliable indicator of total technological incompetence that when someone at a conference hands me a business card with an AOL address on I throw it away. Experience has borne out again and again that "technodude8124@aol.com" and "designerchick3317@aol.com" are neither useful business contacts nor desirable clients.

If you're still reading this I have a few thoughts for you, dear reader.

1. I admire your stamina.
2. I am aware that all this makes me sound me sound like an arrogant and unmitigated techno-snob.
3. I do actually have some productive suggestions for the poor, beleaguered among you still chained to the AOL monster.

AOL has announced they intend to transition into providing many of their services (email, IM chat) for free. This means if you already have DSL or a cable modem for your Internet connection, you can stop paying AOL and still keep your screen name.

Actually, it has been possible for a couple years now to cancel your AOL account and keep your screen name. They've just been very quiet about it.

Both email and IM continue to work on a "cancelled" account. You don't even have to do anything special. Just cancel and then keep using their free services on the web and using AIM.

Really.

Do it. Do it now.

You can only cancel by phone. Here's the number. 800 827-6364.

I did it a few years ago and the AOL screen name I never use any more still works to this day.

While you're at it, get GAIM, the free Instant Messenger program without all the damn ads. It supports AIM, doesn't crash your computer all the time like AIM does and it doesn't install all that adware/spyware crap. Actually, you should switch to GAIM whether or not you cancel your AOL account. It's just better.

Finally, for about $50 a year over at GoDaddy, you can get your own domain. It's easier than you think. And then instead of being "CluelessCompuTard@aol.com" you can be "you@yourdomain.com".

Imagine just how cool you'd be then!

If I help just one person cancel AOL, being this much of a jackass will all be worth it.

SuperUpdate!

The SuperEgo Comedy, Super web site has been Super updated with a Super new logo and Super graphics and Super color and a Super new list server, all designed by yours truly.



I'm Super, thanks for asking!

We now offer separate pages for comics and audience sign up. That means if you're a fan we'll happily send you updates without bugging you with all that insider show biz stuff.

So sign up already!

I'm pretty pleased with the outcome. This is how I always visualized the site in my head ... bright, colorful, cheerful, almost manic. My graphic inspiration was a box of laundry detergent. Not any one brand in particular. Just that general very loud look.

I was a graphic designer / art director for a bunch of years. So it feels really go to have a chance to dust off those skills and see they still work.