Gas Meters + Soda Bottles = Art

Doing my laundry, I noticed someone's been getting creative in my basement.

Mini Bro

It's interesting how the perspective and setting in this image make my brother at the MoMa look like a kid and not the 30-year-old military officer and father of three that he actually is. Adorable, no?

A Study In Contrasts

The constant misuse of email by the unwashed masses makes me crazy. So let me just say a few things in defense of the poor behavior by me that I'm about to showcase.

My email is now tipping the scales somewhere around 50,000 messages per month. I just spent a month and a chunk of change upgrading all my mail systems to handle this volume. This problem is created entirely by stupid people. People who forward kitten photos and lists of jokes, people who "Reply All" to every message they get and people dumb enough to buy things from spam or fall for scams have nearly ruined email for the rest of us.

Back in the days when the Internet was just us nerds there was netiquette, a set of generally accepted understandings on the use of communication technology that helped people not drive each other crazy. I remember the day when ISP installers actually made you take a netiquette tutorial before they'd let you have an email account. Of course, the slobbering hoard of idiots complained or just ignored them and these tutorials were quickly abandoned.

Each time some distant relative or casual acquaintance gets their first email account I try to explain that while email is a fun new adventure for them, it's a business tool and a burden for me. Despite my reliance on it, I now loathe email. But someone who gets 12 messages a month, just does not understand why I don't want messages from them. It's cost me two friendships.

Recently I acted on two of my email pet peeves in very different ways and there's a lesson to be learned from the responses I received.

DALE'S GRACIOUS REPLY TO A "WORDS OF WISDOM" EMAIL

Hi sweetheart,

Do please feel free to write me anytime. I'm delighted to hear from you. However, may I please ask to not be included in forwarded messages like these? I'm so sorry, but as a professional computer consultant I get about 50,000 emails per month. So I have to ask everyone to please not send me jokes, inspirational stories, etc. I do hope you understand it's not personal.

THE REPLY

Who could word something more thoughtfully than you? And, for the freedom to know I can write to you when I'm feeling glad or sad, makes me very grateful. So I can do without the rest.

DALE'S SARCASTIC REPLY TO A "REPLY ALL" EMAIL

Oh my god! This is sooooo cool. I just realized that my email software has two different buttons for reply, REPLY and REPLY ALL. This rocks! I’m so glad I just discovered this. From now on whenever I need to reply to someone who sends out a party invitation that I can’t attend because my aunt has herpes or I just shot my boss, I’m going to be sure to click the REPLY BUTTON and not the REPLY ALL BUTTON.

Isn’t the Internet awesome? I love it!

THE REPLIES

dude - i don't know you and honestly i don't really want to. get a life or some friends because obviously you have neither.

i don't know who this idiot is, but make him stop emailing me.

In each case I got exactly the reply I deserved.

Learn from me. Don't be a dick.

Casual Athletic Nudity

Swimmers like Greg Louganis and Michael Phelps seem so comfortable showing their bodies to the world. Asked about it, athletes usually say something simple like, "that's the uniform."



I never understood this unselfconscious until I started spinning poi. If I leave my shirt on, it will just get sweaty and gross. So I take it off. It's not so much I'm dying to show my fuzzy navel to the world. It's just the uniform.

While poi has made me more confident about my body, an underwear model I ain't. But I'm feeling much less of an all-knees-and-elbows, gangly, awkward nerd these day. Thanks, poi.



At the Olympics, ancient Greeks would perform completely nude. But there was one taboo. It was considered indecent to show the glans of the penis. So to prevent it from accidentally slipping out, athletes would tie a kynodesme, a small string, around their foreskins, ensuring it would stay inside.

Awesome Stuff for Your Phone

Here's some nifty free services that work with any cell phone.

FREE DIRECTORY ASSISTANCE
Goog411 – (800) 466-4411
After it finds your listing, say "text message" for a copy of the listing on your phone or "map it" for a Google map link.

ANSWERS TO (ALMOST) ANY QUESTION
ChaCha – (800) 224-2242
Call the 800 number or text a question to 242242, get a text with the answer 1 minute later.

For example:
"Where is the Chelsea Market and when does it close?"
"What's the closest hardware store to 6th Ave and 14th St in NYC?"
"What airlines fly non-stop from New York to Caracas?"
"What's a good Italian restaurant in Philadelphia?"
"What is the collective noun for unicorns." '

SHORT NOTES DICTATION TRANSCRIPTION
Jott – (866) 568-8123 (Account sign up required.)
Dictate a note. They transcribe it and email it to you as a reminder.
Special iPhone & Blackberry applications allow you to dictate without even having to place a call.

Here's a short video about these free voice-activated services.

Enjoy.

One More Trick and I Can Be a Clown

While buying poi at Dubé Juggling Equipment I decided to get some balls to brush up my long forgotten juggling skills.



All I have to do now is learn to spin plates and I can join the circus.

Obsessive? Moi?

This post is offered as incontrovertible evidence that no detail of my life is too mundane or insignificant as to be unworthy of full documentation, analysis and public consumption. So let's talk buttons.

Did you know that mens' dress shirts often come with extra buttons? They're provided either in a little bag or are sewn on the placket below the belt line.



Now, I'm rather particular about what goes in my pants. (Ba da bum!) So while I appreciate having the spares, they bug me and I finally snapped. Well I'm sure you can see where this is going....

After a flurry of scissors, tweezers and X-Acto blades I reaped a rich harvest of buttons and thread scraps that would make any tailor proud.



Please excuse me now, I have to go sew back on the ones that shouldn't have been removed.

I am very silly.

Shaved!

"Por favor, Señor, can you make me look like the guys on the walls?"

It's Good to Be Home

Sunset in Ft. Tryon Park with the George Washington Bridge

Tourist at Home

My brother Burke is in town, so I'm sightseeing in New York City.





I didn't tell him the hat and sunglasses I loaned him are from my
Gaucho de las Mariposas ensemble until after he'd worn them all over town. *snicker*



So often when you go sightseeing, you end up peering at landmarks from afar and from amongst the throngs.



But there are other lovely things to look at.



This little security robot looks like Wall-E or Number 5, don'tcha think?



All in all our trip to Liberty Island was quite enjoyable.
I just wish they'd do something about all the corpses.

Picture yourself in a boat on a river...

As my trip draws to a close I am content and happy. Gallery Borghese and David are the perfect bookend memories for my trip. I'm so full of joy I can hardly bear it.

The art and beauty I've experienced overwhelmed me again and again, but in the best possible way. Each time I'd stretch to take it all in, my world became a larger place for my experiences. This is why we travel. As we learn more of the world and its peoples we learn more about ourselves and we grow.

Ciao, Italy. Grazie.

Hot Sculpture on Sculpture Action

There are a striking number of man on man sculptures in Florence with a strong domination theme. I gotta say, it's pretty hot.












Art historians wonder if the man on the bottom of this Michelangelo sculpture is a self-portrait of the artist.



Hmmmm ... let's see ... a guy with a beard with a hot young man on top of him.
Yeah, my money says that's Michelangelo.

David Mania, Delicious and Disasterous

There so much more to be said about David. But I wanted to separate the sincere from the sarcastic. Ready for a huge helping of tragic and tacky? Here we go....

There is entertainment to be had while viewing the David. The slightly uncomfortable looks on the American frat boys' faces betray their delicious inner turmoil. "Dude, I'm being told to look at a naked man as an object of beauty. I don't know how to cope with this."

It seems other people are curious about the model as well. Here's a fascinating bit of visual speculation about David.

The whole city of Florence is in the grip of David Mania. Now, when I say the whole city, really I mean tourists and the vendors who sell them crap. I'm sure the locals wouldn't touch this stuff any more than I would.

Some of it is done with a certain charm and affection. David Reloaded by Maria Paola Pozzoli offers many reinterpretations of David.

CARTIER DAVID


DISCO DAVIDS


DEVIL AND ANGEL DAVIDS


GAY PRIDE DAVID


and my favorite ...

ROCKY HORROR DAVID


Remember Mel Brooks' merchandising pitch? "Spaceballs the T-Shirt, Spaceballs the Coloring Book, Spaceballs the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal and Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower"

It seems the world's most famous set of cock and balls needed this treatment. And since the official museum gift shop is not inclined to serve this crass market, Florence street vendors offer David's not-so privates on everything.

DAVID'S JUNK THE APRON


DAVID'S JUNK THE POSTCARD


DAVID'S JUNK THE PUZZLE


DAVID'S JUNK THE POSTCARD WITH SUNGLASSES


There's really no end to it. It's pretty horrifying but I have to admit there's a little part of me that likes it. Florence may well be the only city in the world where man parts are proudly displayed on every street corner. That's awesome.

Best Landmark Ever

When traveling I always try to spot something that helps me find my home.



This sculpture of a woman(?) holding her nose wins, hands down.

Putt, Putt, Zoom, Zoom Through The Countryside

I've done paintings, sculpture, architecture, food, tours, sightseeing and nightlife! It’s my last day in Italy. What’s left?

ROAD TRIP!

My travel buddy and I grabbed a matching pair of the iconic Italian scooter, the Vespa, for a magical journey through the Chianti region of Tuscany. Of course, it’s not that simple. I had to get an International Driver’s License in the U.S. before I left and the rental itself took an hour. Italians don’t hurry. But finally I got my sleek, black, little cutie and off we went.



I’ve had a motorcycle license for some twenty years now. But a scooter is a different creature and I haven’t biked in a couple years. So I was rusty and busy watching moving targets. In the first five minutes I took two wrong turns, got separated from my friend, got lost, had to back track and drove the wrong way up a one-way street.

Strong work.

Things improved one we got out of the bustle of Florence. Within a few hours all the old muscle memories had returned, along with a feel for the road and a sense of mastery of the vehicle.

On our way out of town we stopped at Michelangelo Plaza which offers views of all of Florence.











The David here was created by the artist himself. Yet it is a pale copy. I was aware immediately of it's many differences and shortcomings. After my time with the original, I feel I know David ... like a lover. Still, there is a fondness for even a copy ... like a photograph of family, hardly a replacement, yet a comfort nonetheless.

---

The cool breezes and warm sun of the Tuscan countryside enticed me to lay my skin bare to feel closer to the lavish world around me.











I plucked an unripe grape and squeezed it between my teeth, slowly releasing the powerful flavor. It was sharp and very strong, like concentrated lime juice, yet enjoyable in very small amounts.

We didn’t have time to visit all the vineyards ourselves. Which is OK because boozing and piloting a two-wheel vehicle are only a good combination if you’re keen on cranial intrusions and facial reconstruction surgery.

So we went to Le Cantine, a do-it-yourself wine and cheese tasting room. Machines dispense tastes of wine, cheese, meats and olive oil in an elegant yet low-key environment. You buy a Wine Card and then run amok.



Chianti Classico Riserva is one of my favorite wines. So I decided to sample a survey of 100% Sangiovese wines and record my impressions. My survey was neither scientific nor expert, but it was fun.



After lunch and a break to metabolize the wine, we headed to the tiny town of Castellina.



We were told they have the best Gelato in Italy.



They did. Click to check out this babe’s awesome eye makeup.



42 kilometers from Florence to Castellina for ice cream ... absolutely worth it.

Back to Florence we went.



Our tour was planned for us by the hardcore biker at the rental shop. Picture a guy with a beard, muscles, leather jacket and some serious tattoos giving directions on where to get the best ice cream, wine and cheese. Memo from Italy to American men: masculinity and culture are not mutually exclusive.

There’s just one more thing....



"Hands on the wheel, sir. I’m going to need to see your license and registration."

What's more slutty than an American Apparel Ad?

Why, a European American Apparel ad, of course.

The View from Ponte Vecchio

The Perfect Form

I saw the David today. Again, photography is both prohibited and superfluous, he must be experienced.

I deliberately chose to view David last in the small museum where he lives. As I entered the long hall I delayed looking at him for a few moments, to clear my mind and breath in the anticipation of what I knew would be a moment to remember for all of my days. I wanted to savor the experience and to take this mental image as the last of my trip.

There and so many details you don't see in pictures of David ... the veins in his arms and hands, the squiggly little tufts of hair in his sideburns, the way the sling wraps all the way around his body, the stone concealed in his hand, the perfect lines and curves in his muscles, his foreskin, his eyebrows, his elegant fingers, his cute little navel and his pensive, faraway gaze.



(This photo is from Wikipedia.)

A fit male body is a thing of beauty. And I don't think Michelangelo was as much a fan of biblical myth as he was a connoisseur of the male form. David is exquisite.

I wonder if the model was a real man, one whom Michelangelo admired, loved or perhaps even worshiped. Or maybe David represents an ideal, the artist taking the best features of many men to create the perfect man. One thing is clear from his years of labor and the pinnacle of art David represents, this was a work of devotion. Michelangelo adored David. It reminds me what love feels like.

Sleepy Muffins at the Galleria degli Uffizi

Buon Giorno, Florence

The Wages of Poi

Spinning poi in Italy has profited me two things ...



... a blister on my left middle finger and 10 Euro cents as a tip from a young man who called me a "Superstar".

Ciao, Venice! Arrivederci, Venice!

Our day and a night and a day whirlwind tour of Venice started with our studly taxi-boat driver taking us up the Grand Canal.



Who's a big lug? You are! Yes, you are!



These holiday snaps don't really capture the experience.

VENICE SELF PORTRAIT


This was the view from the roof deck of our B&B.



Venice offers absurdly quaint streets full of absurdly hot men, like the rest of Italy.



The streets are also full of lost tourists peering at maps.



San Marco Square is every bit as picturesque as the movies promise. For me the movie is Moonraker. I know it's nerdy and kitsch and Roger Moore is not among our more beloved Bond actors. I don't care. Drax was an awesome villain and the 007 gondola/hovercraft chase rocked!



Sadly this place is positively overrun. I'm told lovely photos and a little peace may be had at dawn. I wasn't motivated enough to make it then. Really, it's worse than Times Square. We could only take it for about twenty minutes before we had to flee.



I got an unexpected nerd fix late at night. This street bar has joysticks permanently built into the wood bar. They're connected to a game console with graphics so old I didn't recognize them. Drunk boys playing Street Fighter, bashing and slashing each other with virtual sticks and swords, are pretty amusing.



Overall I had a lovely time. I was a bit tired the first day from an early train, and overwhelmingly frustrated the second day when the crappy tourist map absolutely every news stand sells got me hopelessly and repeatedly lost for over two hours. I felt like I was in a really beautiful version of the Blair Witch Project. "Dear God, no! I've seen this lovely fountain before!" (If you go, be sure to get a Streetwise brand map before you leave.)

But I'm so grateful to have been. Mostly I just walked around and soaked it in. Venice defies visual documentation. It simply must be experienced.

Hot Guys, Yet So Creepy

Pinup calendar of hot Venetian Gondoliere?



Sure!

They’re athletic, fit, work outdoors, sing Italian love songs and work in a desperately romantic job.

---

Pinup calendar of hot guys who have taken a lifelong vow of celibacy?



Really. Fucking. Creepy.

So Many Christians, So Few Lions

We got the cutest Colosseum Tour Guide of them all. We win!

Super Gay and More Than A Village

Gay Village is Rome’s huge gay nightlife party. It’s only in the summer and it’s in a park. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Tents, kiosks, bars, booths and dance floors sprawl as far as the eye can see.





It’s a veritable carnival of gay, gay, gay. It’s refreshing to see so many gay men and lesbians out together. New York’s queer community is quite segregated.

The selection at the snack booth is dizzying.







There’s a spin class. People brought biker shorts and gym bags for it.



The tobacconists are there to poison us and make otherwise attractive people repulsive. Fuck you, Phillip Morris.



There’s even a car show.



I decided to do it all. I was interviewed live on Radio Dee Gay. The lovely Sophia offered to teach me some Italian and asked what I wanted to learn. I said, “Since everyone here is so gorgeous I want to learn how to say ‘you are beautiful!’”

Bellissima!



There’s a booth where you can have your own photo shoot. I was feeling tipsy and sexy so I went for it.





Afterwards everyone spills out onto the streets.



These stands sell drunk food and, of course, more beer. What a country!

Ancient History

Standing amidst 2,000 year-old monuments and buildings of the Roman Forum, I overheard this conversation between American high-school students.

“Wow! I found a penny in my wallet from 1987.”

“Oh my God! That’s so old.”

The Right Stuff

I had Mozzarella Bufala in Italy and I have only one question....



What the hell is that crap people have been feeding me in the U.S. all these years and claiming to be Mozzarella?

A Day of Beauty

Today we went to the Borghese Gallery, which lies in a beautiful park. The museum doesn’t allow cameras, so it was to be an afternoon of just the art and me. But that’s OK. I find photography inside museums to be mostly useless. Unlike landscape photography, it rarely captures the subject well and detracts from the viewing experience. These photos are of the park and garden outside.



The photos advertising the gallery depict lovely but sparse, plain, white statues, no backgrounds and nothing else. So as I ducked through the curtain in the entryway, I was completely unprepared for the sight that awaited me in the first hall.

It is stunning. Every surface, ceiling, walls and floors is covered with beautiful frescoes, paintings, inlaid marble and mosaics. There are a dozen, thrilling, dynamic statues in different materials in the first hall alone. There was literally no direction I could look and not see art.



Every hall is this way. I’ve never experienced such absolute saturation of art in my life. Yet it was not cluttered. Despite the dizzying diversity and quantity of great works, the rooms had wonderful harmony and themes … Italian mythology, Egyptian mythology, satyrs and gods, hieroglyphs and heroes, lovers and babies, battles and glory, life and death, it’s all there.

At the end I came back to the first hall to experience again that first breathtaking moment. I chose an image of a bold Roman solider charging over a hill with red cape flowing to fix in my mind as my memory for this experience. As I did, I wept tears of joy that there could be such exquisite beauty in the world.

This is what I came to Italy for.

Ode to Italy

A friend of mine sent this lovely little Ode to Italy before I left on my trip. It's so poetic I asked if I could share it with you.

GIVE MY LOVE TO ITALY
by P.

Remind her she has my heart, that she has the power to break it at the slightest memory, at the slightest sound and scent of her. And that she makes me happy for the very same reasons.

Tell her her sons make me crazy. That I hate them because I have loved them. And that she owes me....

Toss a coin at Trevi when the tourists aren't looking. Please. For me. So I might return.



I didn't know what Trevi was or even that I would be passing by on this beautiful afternoon. I rounded a corner and its beauty took my breath away. As I tossed a Euro cent into the crystal waters, she was right there with me for just a moment and I felt all warm and squishy.

The Color of Night

Long ago I bored of what I call, "proof photos," that is, photos that prove you were there. Me in front of the Eiffel Tower. Me in front of the Brandenburger Tor. Me in front of the British Houses of Parliament.

Zzzzzzz....

I know what these places look like. And I know what I look like. I don't need to know what I look like in front of these places.

Problem is, my mother complains if there are no photos of me amongst my holiday snaps. So I've combined my interest in night photography and poi. Here ya go, Mom. Happy?

Night Colors

Oh the night ... so much more intriguing and colorful than the day.

Ever Wonder What A $35 Dollar Ice Cream Cone Looks Like?

Yeah, me either. But I got to find out when I was naive enough to order gelato in a touristy shop with no prices posted. What a scam! At least it was yummy.



If you're wondering what the hell is up with my haircut, it seems clear my Washington Heights Dominican barber did not understand my instructions. But when the first thing he removed from my face was the hair that attaches the right side of my mustache to my beard, objection seemed pointless. So I just decided to be zen about it and let him finish the job. If figured I wasn't getting the haircut and shave I had in mind. So why not see what he had in mind? Apparently what he had in mind was "Guido".

I Found The History

It's pretty.

Hello, Italy

I've arrived! It's warm and beautiful and now I must nap. Zzzzzz....

Local Flavor

Connecting through Zurich I discovered in Switzerland, soccer mania comes with watches. Naturally.



Travel Tip: If you'd like a handsome Swiss man to feel you up head to toe in a private room, then drop to his knees and put his hands inside your underwear, just keep a bit of metal on you as pass security in the Zurich airport. It was good for me.

Italy Here I Come

I'm off to Rome, Venice and Florence. Stay turned for daily travel
log. Ciao.

Home of Poi Discount Code

If you're interested in getting into Poi, check out homeofpoi.com for info and supplies. Here's a discount code for 5% off at their store. I luv my new kite poi.

HOME OF POI DISCOUNT CODE
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Of course, you can always just make your own starter poi by filling a pair of socks with a half a cup of rice each. I like to put the rice into cheap, plain, white, girl's knee stockings so they make nice compact soft little balls. This keeps the rice from cutting through the socks as you spin them.

SOCK POI WITH STOCKING BALL


Sock poi can be made for just a few bucks and look great.
Here's an adorable couple I met both spinning my sock poi.

SOCK POI IN ACTION


HOW TO MAKE SOCK POI

Poi, The International Language

I've been meeting people with mad poi skills ... like raver boy here.



Look who's back.



Everyone wants to try out my new kite poi.



Turns out you don't even need a common language to learn poi. I taught this deaf girl to spin. She picked it up right away.



If you're happy and you know it spin your poi.



Mari J is a fire spinner from Japan. Her poi dance is fabulous.