Pay No Attention To That Man Behind The Toilet

Ever since I was a kid, I've been fascinated by the machinery that makes the world go, especially when it's usually hidden from view.

Accidental Groupie

Jungle Red produced by All Gay Frat House is an all drag queen production of the musical adaptation of the all-female cast, classic film, The Women. The bar is set. If you'd like create the gayest show in the world your work is cut out for you.

I went to see this show in San Francisco because if you don't see at least one drag show while visiting this town they don't let you come back. And because it stars Varla Jean Merman, love child of the eight-day long, annulled marriage of Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine. That's Varla's story and she's sticking to it.

Quite by chance, every time Carson and I hang out, Varla has a show. I've seen her five times in New York, San Francisco and Provincetown. I never intended to be a drag queen fan boy ... it just happened. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

My reluctant fan status notwithstanding, any chick who can yodel while downing a whole can of spray cheese gets a hearty thumbs up from me ... and maybe a little tongue.



Varla Jean Merman, Katya Smirnoff-Skyy and Me looking like a cheap gigolo.

Golden Gate Park Rose Garden

Yum! Yum! Yum!

The appearance of their poster notwithstanding,
Wild Flour Bread is not a new Cirque du Soleil show.



It is, in fact, the best bakery I've ever been to.



Despite being in the middle of nowhere, there's a line out the door to buy these loaves that are aren't just something to serve with dinner, they're meals unto themselves.

"I find your lack of abs disturbing."

Carson just got home from the gym.
Apparently he works out on the Death Star.

Three Tastes That Taste Great Together

I asked the small-town Sonoma, resort staff where I could go out for some night life. Without the slightest hint of irony they suggested I go to the local "Gay Leather/Disco/Sushi Bar".

Perfect! Leather, Disco and Sushi ... the most natural combination in the world.

I found the disco, no problem.



Alas, leather was in short supply.

And I was warned by the locals to avoid the sushi.



Good advice.

I chatted with the friendly locals.

"Wow, California's a big change from New York."

"Not really, old Jews and old hippies are equally annoying, just for different reasons."

"Great crowd here tonight, right?"

"No. They're mostly unfuckable."

"Wow. You're really sardonic."

"Oh. Sorry. Do you want me to tone it down? I'm not sure I know how."

This conversation made me realize two things about New York that I take for granted.

First, I'd forgotten how much more fit and attractive New Yorkers are than most Americans outside major cities.

And second, while my sense of humor is a bit more condescending than the general background level of sarcasm in New York, in the rest of the country it's pretty shocking.

Oh well. Please refer to the title of this blog. Thank you.

Arrrrr, Matey!

September 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Mark your calendar for next year.

I was bummed this turned out to be the day I was flying. Nonetheless, I was determined to talk like a pirate at least a bit and have some fun.

Some people got it.

"Arrrr, lassie, I be wishin' ya a merry talk like a pirate day, Arrr!"

"Oh yeah, I heard about that ... um ... Arrrr!"

Some didn't.

"Arrr, matey, this be a fine vessel for sailing the seven seas. I'll be havin' a Ginger Ale and some headphones for the in-flight movie, Arrrr!"

"What? Where have you been?"

The unexpected fun part of talking like a pirate is that it's contagious. After talking like a pirate to the "wenches" in an Irish Pub, they started talking like pirates to the other customers.

Excellent! My work here is done.

You know you've arrived at the gay winery ...

... when you can hear the ABBA emanating from the tasting room before
you even get out your car.

Worst Name Ever

I just drove past, no really I swear, Analy Veterinary Hospital.

"Sure, we'll examine Fluffy ... but pretty much no matter what the problem is ... we're just gonna cram stuff up her ass.

Wine Country ... Beyond Quaint

The Ultimate Emasculator

Welcome to San Francisco, where the men wear Little Mermaid backpacks with Little Mermaid tote bags attached.

Don't stress too much about your airport food selection ...

... because no matter how tasty it looks in the case, nothing here has any flavor whatsoever.



I'm off San Francisco to visit dear friends, Washington State to visit beloved family and Sonoma Valley to visit wine ... lovely, lovely wine.

Photos and stories to come as I begin yet another travel log.