I'm paying $1.99 per episode for this to suck? - Unplugged Part 3

(This series started here, "Unplugged - Part 1".)

Buying TV by the episode is a very different consumer experience from having cable TV. This didn't hit me right away because the first couple shows I grabbed are reliably good. But now that I've expanded to shows in which I have a more casual interest, I'm much more aware of the quality of what I'm watching and whether it's worth it or not.

It strikes me odd that it took this shift in spending to give me this realization. Because money is far from our most valuable asset. Our time and attention are the most valuable things we, as sentient beings, can give or spend.

When I had cable TV, I used to just chuckle when a series jumped the shark. Now I find myself thinking, "I'm paying $1.99 per episode for this to suck?"

Going unplugged has made me far more conscious of what I choose to watch. Because each and every show is a conscious choice instead of an act of passive, slack-jawed, remote-in-hand, couch potatoery.

(Potatoery is so totally a word and if you don't believe me look it up. Don't contradict me.)

Which brings me to this.

Lost sucks.

Whoa, Nelly, does it suck.

The first season was awesome. Season 2 was OK. Season 3 sucked. And now that season 4 has started, it sucks too. It no longer has a narrative. It's just a sad attempt to string together spooky events and spooky characters with startling revelations and laughably out of place spooky music.

In particular, I've never forgiven Lost for killing off the character played by adorable, fluffy-muffin-head, Ian Somerhalder.

(((swoon)))

And then Lost forced me to wait a whole year for the death of the character of his annoying, selfish, stupid, bratty, whiny sister. That almost made season 2 worth it. While the violins played and she gasped her dying breath I was literally jumping up and down on the sofa for joy.

Fuck she was irritating.

But I digress....

So now I have a dilemma. This is the last season. Do I keep watching out of some desperate hope for improvement and closure?

I probably will. If only because I have a credit on my XBox Live account and can't seem to find anything better to do with it. And sometimes, despite my soliloquy on the preciousness of our time and attention, you just want to zone out and make fun of something.

Lost will do I suppose.

Sigh ... two months until new Battlestar Galactica.

I'm continuing to evaluate the video quality of Apple TV and XBox Live video. I'll have more to say about this in the future. For now I'll just say the dramatic variance is unexpected and startling.

Revived, Repurposed and Redeemed

Instead of one of my usual, malcontented rants, I thought I'd post something that actually complies with the stated purposed of this blog, just to be different.

Two years ago I wrote Ode to the XBox 360 as a satirical blog essay. I liked it and decided to try to perform it as stand up. It failed utterly. But I remained convinced that it could performed and enjoyed in some other form.

I dusted it off, edited the intro slightly and performed it for the Nerd Poetry Slam at the Bowery Poetry Club this week. What fun!

It was my first time performing at a spoken word event and it was a smashing success. The crowd was jammed with nerds. The host wore a T-Shirt bearing the image of The Simpsons Comic Book Guy and asked questions about Star Trek and Muppets.

Anyone who failed the trivia challenge was mocked by audience chants of "Not a nerd! Not a nerd!"

Where previously the bit had failed, it worked here for four reasons.

1. Most importantly, it was the right crowd.

2. The writing conformed to the format of the event.

3. While the changes were minor, the edited intro set up set the tone of satire and condescension rather nicely.

4. My performing skill has increased dramatically. I'm still no Sir Ian McKellen and I never will be. But I was able to project a variety of emotions and use a variety of vocal and mic techniques to punctuate the bit. I really enjoyed what I was doing and felt in command of the performance.

The event was judged and I didn't win. But I didn't care. I got what I wanted out of it and had a lot of fun.



Oddly, they played a continuous video of 80s cartoon toy ads behind the performers during the show. At a stand up club this would be unheard of and fatally distracting. But somehow it worked. Having the Transformers behind me as I sing the praises of a video game console seems to fit in some strange way.

The cherry on my ice cream Sunday of nerd came at the end. After the last performance the theme to the original Battlestar Galactica was played and the host started in on the monologue. He made a mistake and in the rather raucous atmosphere I chided him, "get it right!" He asked if I knew it and when I affirmed he surrendered the mic.

With the music rising to a majestic crescendo I stormed the stage, and with the crowd cheering recited....


Fleeing from the Cylon tyranny,
the last Battlestar, Galactica,
leads a rag-tag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest:
a shining planet ... known as Earth!


I felt like a rock star!

I am now eXtreme to the Max!

I gots me an XBox 360 yesterday. It's shiny and it makes me happy. Or at least I hope it will.

I'm grooving on their online versions of European-style board games like Catan and Carcassonne.



Wanna play?

Drop me a line and I'll send you my gamer tag.

Dear Bill, More Space Marine Man Ass in Video Games, Please. THX! Love, Dale

Microsoft has sheepishly admitted that due to an "obscure content error" (or perhaps a "wardrobe malfunction"?) the release of their latest space-marines themed video game, "Halo 2" for Vista, has accidental nudity in it.

I love it.

They didn't say what the nudity was, but the only girl in the entire game is Cortana, a 12" tall, blue hologram. Other than her, it's nothing by hyper-butch, space marines. And if there's one thing I believe in, on my personal quest to become the gayest nerd on the planet (or the nerdiest fag, either one), it's that video games need more space marine man ass.

Alas, Microsoft is delaying the release of the game so they can remove whatever it is.

I went looking to see if anyone has posted copies of Microsoft's little error and couldn't find any. However, I did find a few things I just gotta share.

These links are not safe for work nor for Mormons.

Cortana Doesn't Need A Man, She's Got It Covered
The Halo Sargent Gets What He Deserves
What Halo Aliens Do During Their Coffee Break
Who's A Bad, Bad Puppy?

Now that I'm blogging again, these images provide a sort of Rorschach Test for you, my dear reader.

If you find these images:

A. Hilarious ... you're my kind of nerd.
B. Hilarious and kinda hot ... you're my kind of kinky nerd, you should definitely send me email.
C. Offensive ... you should unsubscribe from my blog immediately.

Nerdgasm

The biggest nerd orgy of the year, E3, the giant video game expo, is happening right now.

So let's see ... what's news?

The price for the Sony Playstation 3 basic system is going to be a kidney. And the high-end system can be yours for just one human baby.

Awesome!

Better yet, the PS3 is scheduled to ship the day after a massive comet destroys all life on this planet.

Sweet!

Nintendo announced recently that their next game console will be named the Nintendo Wii.

Say what?

The original name was Nintendo Revolution. Bitchin'. Turns out this was just the project name, not to be the final product name. So after a year of everyone calling it the Revolution, they change it to Wii.

Wii?!?!?!

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

According to the Nintendo press release, "Wii as in We" reflects togetherness and community.

"Wii will change gaming forever."

"Wii will bring gamers together."

Oh, I get it....

Wait! No really! I get it! In fact, I've got it! The perfect slogan.... Tell me what you think....

Dive Into the Pool of Wii

Genius no? Can I market the shit out of shit or what?


Bungie/Microsoft is previewing Halo 3, the first game that actually makes me seriously consider shelling out the cash for an XBox 360. While I'm sure the game itself will rock, the Halo 3 trailer for the game sucks. And when I say, it sucks, what I mean is that it blows, it's awful, it's embarrassing and I can't believe that the most well funded game studio in the world would release this dreck.

In the Halo 3 Trailer, the Master Chief walks to a ledge and looks over a cliff. That's it. End of movie.

Boooooorrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiinnnnnngggggg.

Right before Microsoft bought Bungie in 2000 to get its grubby little mitts on Halo, I saw the original Halo trailer at MacWorld. It was a work of art. Thrilling Action! Amazing Music! Stunning Vistas! Years later watching it still sends a chill up my spine. (I have a saved copy, I wish I could find a link for you.)

The Halo 3 trailer has none of that. Worse, the resolution sucks, the video quality sucks and the sound quality really, really sucks. It looks and sounds like a bootleg DVD you'd buy on Canal St.

After much digging, I finally found a hi-res Halo 3 trailer with surround sound. It's visually pretty, but still pretty boring. At least it's not technically embarrassing.

I don't understand why they burried this. It makes Halo 3, Windows Media video and Microsoft all look bad. How did the masters of PR commit such a huge PR blunder?


Spore, the new game from Will Wright, designer of The Sims, looks amazing. I can't wait to play it, which is ironic, because I never played any of The Sims.

(Don't skip the Flash intro on the Spore site. It's really funny.)

In Spore, you evolve your own species of creature from one-celled organism all the way up to intergalactic civilization.

Did you get that?

Evolve your own species! Conquer the galaxy!

How cool is that?!

Gimmie! Gimmie! I want it now!

(Fuck, I use a lot of exclamation points!)


Games and stuff are cool ... but the biggest reason to tune into the E3 coverage on G4TV is Kevin Pereira.



Not only is the smug little hottie co-hosting ... he's talking about his taint. (No kidding.)



Oh, yeah! Right there! Don't stop!

What a brat. He really needs to be punished.

Now let's see, where are my restraints?

Ode To The XBox 360

I recently wandered into a Circuit City. I had no particular expectations. I thought I'd drool over the Phillip PX50 plasma displays again, maybe drop twenty bucks on some blanks DVDs.

But then, as I looked up from the bitchin' 12-megapixel Nikon DX2, I was stopped dead in my tracks. What's this? There, before my very eyes, was a sight so amazing, so arresting, it shook my values to their very foundations.



It was Call of Duty 2, on the XBox 360, in Hi-Def.

It was beautiful beyond description. The scenery, rendered with details which make life itself pale by comparison. The motion, smooth as my first lover's touch. The blood, flowed like water from the fountain of youth.

And pixels, oh the pixels! There millions of them! Millions, I tell you. Millions of glorious hi-def pixels.

This was no mere game. This was an experience ... in Dolby Digital Surround Sound with 5.1 channel matrix encoding.

I watched it. Mesmerized.

I watched it and marveled. I watched it and felt a peace my troubled heart has never known. I watched it and felt ashamed at the hubris of desiring to posses something so exquisite. Truly a filthy wretch like me could never defile something so delicate, so sublime with a heathen's touch.

It brought the disgrace of my countless sins into stark relief. My fragile, feeble human mind was overwhelmed. I could bear its radiance no longer. I had to look away.

I staggered from the temple of the object of my desire, gasping for breath, clutching my pathetic substitute purchase. I looked at my dual-layer 16x DVD+RW media with Lightscribe technology hoping some for comfort. But it brought me no solace. How could it? Cast from the garden of the most holy, I began to realize ...

I would never feel joy again.

As the moment passed, I was filled with a deep sadness of this new and terrible knowledge. The universe grants each of us what seems a gift ... but becomes a curse ... one single moment of perfect beauty in a lifetime. Mine came without warning and passed in an instant.

In the aftermath of this tragedy, my life has been a hollow existence ... a vain search to touch once again that all too brief, wondrous moment which, in my heart of hearts, I know will never come again.

So heed this warning, please I beg you. Satan lives at Circuit City, dressed as an angel!

Seek not to view the face of true beauty and true perfection ... lest ye be left as I am ... a shadow ... broken and empty.

Oh yeah! And dude, the explosions totally rocked.

Oh Goody

The XBox 360 goes on sale in less than 2 hours. It's amazing, next generation hardware! Yay!

So let's see what games are available ... racing games, sports games, role-playing games and fight games.

Zzzzzzzzzz..........

I'll wait for the Playstation 3. Thanks.