Call Me Master, Again

Exactly 11 months since making Sectional Bridge Master in the American Contract Bridge League I've made it to Regional Bridge Master. Whoot! That's another notch in my nerd cred!

Now comes the long slow climb to North American Bridge Master. I'm gonna get me all the hot grandma on grandma action I can handle at the next bridge tournament.

Call Me Master

At the bridge sectionals this week, my bridge partner and buddy Steve and I scored our first city-wide win with a 65.77% game in a field of 164 players. I've now reached the title of "Sectional Master" in the national league (the ACBL). The league's ranking system is so antiquated that the title is almost meaningless. But it still feels good.

That's "Master" to you, buddy!

Avoid Transfers?

You mean Jacoby or Texas?

(Gold star on your forehead if you actually get this lame joke. Also ... you're a nerd.)

Super Mega Show Report

I'm a smidge behind on blogging about shows. So here's a catch up round up.

PHILLY

Kelli's Farewell Philly Show was awesome. I've performed for Kelli's room twice before and as they say, third time's a charm.

The one-woman marketing bonanza that is Kelli Dunham filled the place. The girl knows how to pack a room.

Right before the show ... "I'm ready for my close up."

Knowing what to expect going in this time I adapted my set list. I have several bits of which I'm very fond which don't play well for straight crowds. But they come alive when I do them for lesbians. Giving up a few fat chick jokes is a small price to pay for this transaction.

I still offended them a few times. But the difference is, this time I did it on purpose. I tweaked their noses with a little twinkle in my eye and a grin on my face.

But mostly we all just had fun together. There were a ton of dykes into polyamory so my riff on that subject brought the house down.

I mentioned the word and then said, "for the two people in this room who don't know what polyamory is ..."

They laughed so hard I had to stop and wait. Sensing an opportunity I dug in deeper.

"... for the two people in this room not actively engaged in the practice of polyamory at this very moment ..."

This got another huge laugh, especially from the people there with several of their polyamorous partners.

It was a good crowd and these were some of the best laughs I've ever gotten ... ever. It's not hard to figure out why. It was about them. It was about their interests. And it was very, very connected to what was happening in the room at that moment.

These connections are difficult to force. But they're easy when I just keep an eye out for an opportunity. As in normal conversation, the best joke is the spontaneous one that is relevant to the topic at hand.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"

After the Philly show I got another PC speech along the lines of, "that joke offended me so you shouldn't do it." This time it didn't throw me the way it did last time. I asked her why she didn't like it. And then in the middle of what was actually a pleasant and stimulating discussion I said, "by the way, that's one of my best jokes and I have absolutely no intention of deleting it." The conversation continued and I was just amused by the whole thing.

Although, I continue to marvel that people have the audacity to make such a request/demand. It's one thing to say, "I didn't like it." It's another thing entirely to demand the absolute deletion of a work so that no one else may ever experience it.

I think I'll start asking joke objectors this question, "If you went to the MoMA and part of a painting offended you, would you demand that part be blotted over so that no one else may ever see it?"

It's not as thought I don't know how they feel. I hang out in comedy rooms full of straight boy comics. So I get offended all the time. A guy actually did some "homo" jokes in my room this week ... IN MY FUCKING ROOM!

You go to the gay comic's show to try out "homo" jokes?!?! SHEESH! That's pretty fuckin' balls-y.

I chuckled and shook my head. But I didn't say anything to him and I certainly didn't demand he stop doing the joke. Moreover, I did chuckle. The jokes were, in fact, funny. It's good to be offended now and then. They're just jokes.

ALL ABOUT KELLI

The Philadelphia Weekly has a great article on the strange and fabulous life Kelli has led. I learned lots of stuff about my favorite dyke that I didn't know. I'm quoted. I said lots of eloquent stuff in the interview about Kelli. Alas, the quote the reporter chose makes me sound like an inarticulate retard. Nothing says stupid like emphasizing a point with "really, really."

Here's the quote I wished they'd used. "Kelli has such a strong, natural charisma, she draws people to her without realizing she's even doing it. Spending a night on the town with Kelli is like chasing a giant, ever-growing snowball down a hill. You start the evening with 4 people and by the end of the night you have a fabulous, interesting, creative group of 20."

STRETCHING TO LONGER SETS

I achieved something I'm pretty proud of at the Brooklyn and Philly shows. I did two, almost 30 minute shows without using a written set list on stage. Before that, the longest set list I'd ever held in my head was 12 minutes. I still had a written set list on hand. But I had resolved to not look at it while performing unless I completely blanked.

The first time, getting ready was really hard. I took 4-5 hours. But I was determined to give up this crutch. The second time ... no problem. The skill has now been acquired. It just takes a certain amount of prep and discipline.

POLYAMORY BIT EXPERIMENT

When I got back from Philly, I decided to see if the polyamory riff could be turned into a bit that stands on it's own. I edited it and tried it at SuperEgo. Mostly it didn't work. I got some chuckles. But, not surprisingly, without the relevancy the material didn't get the response. The one solid laugh the bit did get was when I asked if anyone had heard of polyamory. Only one person responded. So I called her a "slut". That was connected to the room. So it worked.

That's fine. I expected a mediocre response and mostly I was proving a point to myself. I can file that bit away and haul it out when it's relevant to the crowd.

It's fun building a repertoire like this. I've got a nice little menu of bits to choose from these days. It's small but growing. And it helps with crowd work. The larger my bit menu becomes, the better the chance an audience member will say something that provides a hook into a bit.

It's all about looking for those opportunities to create a connection. A mediocre joke can kill when it's relevant.

GAYEST NERD ON THE PLANET

One day at comedy club, Leil David asked my why I carry two PDAs with me everywhere I go. I replied that while I organize my life on the Treo, the only good mobile application for playing the card game of bridge is only available for PocketPC. So, naturally, I need both.

This makes perfect sense to me.

After a moment of considered silence Leil says to me, "Dale your whole act is about being a big gay nerd ... and that is the gayest, nerdiest thing I have ever heard in my entire life."

This struck me funny, so I did what comics do ... I tried to turn it into a bit. Alas, the difference between mobile OS platforms (Palm vs. PocketPC) is too obscure for a general audience to work as a premise. (Guess that's another one I'll have to save for when I headline Linux World.)

But this observation by Leil an some other factors led me to new theme....

"I am on a personal quest to become the gayest nerd on the planet."

This theme has provided fuel for some great writing lately.

Even more satisfyingly, it has provided a link between the opening gay joke in my audition set and the nerd material that comes after it. I have struggled for six months with three sentences and the best segue I could come up with was clumsy at best, and a non-sequitur at worst. I'd been so frustrated with this for so long I finally had to just leave it alone.

But now I've got the perfect link and set up for my nerd material all in one. Prior to this, the nerd jokes lacked cohesion and all just sort of lay together in an unstructured pile, like dirty laundry on the floor. Now they all support an idea.

Thanks for the inspiration, Leil! You rock, buddy.

THE JOY OF RANT

Last week was really frustrating. (Don't ask.) So when SuperEgo came around I wasn't sure what to do. I'd written some material about how I'm too old for gay pride. As the day wore on and the show drew closer my personal emotions began to mix with the material and it hit me that I was in the perfect mood to do an angry set.

So I dug up a few angry jokes and did a whole anti-gay pride rant. It hit the jackpot. Much funny was had.

Angry material feels both dangerous and powerful to me. It's fun and scary to wield such strong emotions. The smart and super funny Sue Ball said to me after the show, "I like the angry stuff. You seem like a ranter."

I am a ranter. In real life, I rant almost constantly. It's pretty much my default mode of communication. I have opinions about virtually everything. It's a constant battle trying to keep them from getting me into trouble. And yet, this is a component of my personality I rarely bring into my act.

The thing I'm trying to wrap my brain around is how to integrate the ranting with my other material which is much more cute and charming. When I've tried to put both into the same set in the past, the audience seems to get emotional whiplash. Not surprising, I suppose, when I can go from endearing to jackass in 2.0 seconds flat. I'm not sure how to guide them through that. So they end up recoiling at the sudden hostility and I lose them.

Charming works by itself. Angry works by itself. I'm not sure if charming and angry can ever meet.

Maybe I should just give up all the nice stuff and become the gay Lewis Black.

One way or the other, the fact that this stuff scares me means I should probably explore it.

That is all.

I'm In Heaven

Paola got me bridge bidding cards for me birthday. I'm a happy little nerd.

I Need An Intervention

I love bridge. No ... I really, really love it. It is the ultimate card game. I used to play hearts, spades and gin rummy. But bridge trumps them all. I'm ruined. All I want to play anymore is bridge. I play bridge, in one form or another, practically every day.

One man, more than any other, is to blame for this ... my friend, American Contract Bridge League Silver Life Master, Ilan Tadmor.

Ilan is a hard core bridge pusher, as seen here in his booking photo from when he was arrested for peddling copies of Marty Bergen's bridge book, Points Schmoints! to innocent children on the board walk in Atlantic City.

Ilan organized a lovely bridge party yesterday ... where else? But the upper-east side of Manhattan, of course. How "ladies who lunch" is that?

Eight of us played until Ilan had to leave and threw us out. Then four of us went to a Starbucks and played until the place closed and they threw us out. On the bus and subway going home, guess what game I played on my handheld computer for an hour?

So I played bridge for 11 hours straight yesterday. When I got home there was no one left awake on this continent to play bridge with me. It took every ounce of what little self control I possess to keep myself from inviting my friend Ron, who lives in Japan and was therefore awake, to play Bridge Base Online Internet bridge with me.

Does the Betty Ford Clinic treat bridge addicts?



So that was going to be the end of this post ... until I read the message from Betty on the home page of her clinic. "I’m also fortunate to know first hand the power of intervention, the process
that took me to the drug and alcohol rehabilitation center where my personal journey of recovery began. Sadly, there is still very little assistance available for those whose lives have been touched by this disease."

What?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? "Very little assistance"?!?!

According to the Alcoholics Anonymous "Fact File", there are over 100,000 AA chapters with over 2,000,000 members. Any drunk who can fall down a flight of stairs into the basement of any church can find help ... usually three times a day, seven days a week.

Wake up, Betty! Americans are the most self-helped, therapized, head-shrunk, support grouped people in the world.

"Very little assistance."

What a crock.

Bridge Geek Paradise

I'm a gadget geek.
I play bridge.
The Duplimat is a Bridge Geek's Paradise.
It's a machine for presorting cards into predetermined bridge hands.
I have absolutely no use for a Duplimat. None.
But it's just so cool I want one.