"Girl Talk" by Dale Sorenson

“Sometimes I’m sorry I didn’t get the double Ds,” Stacy said.

She washed down her Zanex with a wine cooler and more whiskey.

“Oh don’t say that,” said Michelle. “Proportion is so much more important than sheer size.”

“Really?!” Stacy gushed. “God! That makes me feel just so much better. I’ve always been so jealous of your bodacious Ta Tas.”

Michelle nodded coolly as she sipped her vodka. “I’ve got this little tramp right where I want her,” she thought. "Time for a power play.”

“Here, let me show you,” said Michelle

In one rough, swift motion she ripped open Stacy’s blouse.

Stacy gave out a helpless little cry, but Michelle knew the little slut wanted it.

No bra? Hardly surprising. But no resistance? Intriguing.

Stacy’s round breasts curved up, each nipple pert and eager reaching skyward for attention.

Michelle caressed Stacy’s waist with one hand and bounced a playful tit with the other.

Continuing the facade of innocent girl talk Michelle asked, “See how the proportions go so well together?”

“Why yes. Yes I do,” said Stacy. She leaned forward and arched her back to offer better access to her taut supple features.

Michelle fingered Stacy’s moist erotic love knobs and they hardened. Soft moans filled the air.

“Now compare to mine,” said Michelle

“What?”

“Go on.”

Stacy fell into a trace, barely aware of her actions, yet conscious that each button opened brought her closer to those mountainous orbs of wonder. Slowly they came into view. She felt an almost divine presence. She’s dreamed of this moment for so long. She worshipped Michelle’s heaving, undulating melons with her eyes and felt pulsating envy and desire.

“They’re perfect,” Stacey said.

“Yes. I know. Feel them,” Michelle commanded.

Stacy did as she was told, like the good little girl she was raised to be. “My god!” she exclaimed. “They’re so pink. Your areolas are so dark and lovely. And just one of these weighs more than my last abortion.”

“You know it baby!” Michelle said with the confidence of a goddess.

Stacy’s willpower finally crumbled. She was sick of being the good girl. She wanted to be a dirty tramp. She plunged her face into Michelle’s heaving bazooms. She lapped, licked, slurped and squeezed like a mad jungle woman.”

“You’re good at that,” said Michelle with a faint sigh.

Stacy lifted her sloppy, wet glistening face and said, “Oh it’s the Botox. Keeps everything soft and relaxed.” Stacy went back to work, enjoying the role of boob slave.

Suddenly the door opened and a perky little face appeared. It was Emily.

“Is this the room for hip-hop Pilates?”

Stacy tried to look but Michelle’s hand kept her face firmly planted in Michelle’s magnificent womanhood.

Emily cocked an eyebrow at the muffled sounds of delight and submission coming from between Michelle’s ample cleavage. But she knew better than to say anything.

“It’s next door,” Michelle said.

“Ok thanks,” said Emily. “You girls have fun and try not to get anything on the carpets.”

She bounced off in her usual way with a little grin that said, “I’m a Jew with a secret.”

Michelle muttered to herself. “That little vixen knew we were in here. That’s it. She’s next. I’ll bet her asshole tastes like strawberries.”

Caffine Depravation is the Mother of Invention

Discovering my villa had coffee filters but not a coffee maker I spent
a couple hours assembling this contraption and ingredients for it.

I was so proud of my ingenuity ... until I used it. The thin, pale, nearly-flavorless liquid it produced can be described, at best, as coffee like.

Nonethless, I still refuse to go to Starbucks ... mostly because my lesbian, fair-trade-coffee-activist friends would kill me when I got home.

Still Life on Lesbian Coffee Table

Can you find the maxipads in this photo?

Super Mega Show Report

I'm a smidge behind on blogging about shows. So here's a catch up round up.

PHILLY

Kelli's Farewell Philly Show was awesome. I've performed for Kelli's room twice before and as they say, third time's a charm.

The one-woman marketing bonanza that is Kelli Dunham filled the place. The girl knows how to pack a room.

Right before the show ... "I'm ready for my close up."

Knowing what to expect going in this time I adapted my set list. I have several bits of which I'm very fond which don't play well for straight crowds. But they come alive when I do them for lesbians. Giving up a few fat chick jokes is a small price to pay for this transaction.

I still offended them a few times. But the difference is, this time I did it on purpose. I tweaked their noses with a little twinkle in my eye and a grin on my face.

But mostly we all just had fun together. There were a ton of dykes into polyamory so my riff on that subject brought the house down.

I mentioned the word and then said, "for the two people in this room who don't know what polyamory is ..."

They laughed so hard I had to stop and wait. Sensing an opportunity I dug in deeper.

"... for the two people in this room not actively engaged in the practice of polyamory at this very moment ..."

This got another huge laugh, especially from the people there with several of their polyamorous partners.

It was a good crowd and these were some of the best laughs I've ever gotten ... ever. It's not hard to figure out why. It was about them. It was about their interests. And it was very, very connected to what was happening in the room at that moment.

These connections are difficult to force. But they're easy when I just keep an eye out for an opportunity. As in normal conversation, the best joke is the spontaneous one that is relevant to the topic at hand.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"

After the Philly show I got another PC speech along the lines of, "that joke offended me so you shouldn't do it." This time it didn't throw me the way it did last time. I asked her why she didn't like it. And then in the middle of what was actually a pleasant and stimulating discussion I said, "by the way, that's one of my best jokes and I have absolutely no intention of deleting it." The conversation continued and I was just amused by the whole thing.

Although, I continue to marvel that people have the audacity to make such a request/demand. It's one thing to say, "I didn't like it." It's another thing entirely to demand the absolute deletion of a work so that no one else may ever experience it.

I think I'll start asking joke objectors this question, "If you went to the MoMA and part of a painting offended you, would you demand that part be blotted over so that no one else may ever see it?"

It's not as thought I don't know how they feel. I hang out in comedy rooms full of straight boy comics. So I get offended all the time. A guy actually did some "homo" jokes in my room this week ... IN MY FUCKING ROOM!

You go to the gay comic's show to try out "homo" jokes?!?! SHEESH! That's pretty fuckin' balls-y.

I chuckled and shook my head. But I didn't say anything to him and I certainly didn't demand he stop doing the joke. Moreover, I did chuckle. The jokes were, in fact, funny. It's good to be offended now and then. They're just jokes.

ALL ABOUT KELLI

The Philadelphia Weekly has a great article on the strange and fabulous life Kelli has led. I learned lots of stuff about my favorite dyke that I didn't know. I'm quoted. I said lots of eloquent stuff in the interview about Kelli. Alas, the quote the reporter chose makes me sound like an inarticulate retard. Nothing says stupid like emphasizing a point with "really, really."

Here's the quote I wished they'd used. "Kelli has such a strong, natural charisma, she draws people to her without realizing she's even doing it. Spending a night on the town with Kelli is like chasing a giant, ever-growing snowball down a hill. You start the evening with 4 people and by the end of the night you have a fabulous, interesting, creative group of 20."

STRETCHING TO LONGER SETS

I achieved something I'm pretty proud of at the Brooklyn and Philly shows. I did two, almost 30 minute shows without using a written set list on stage. Before that, the longest set list I'd ever held in my head was 12 minutes. I still had a written set list on hand. But I had resolved to not look at it while performing unless I completely blanked.

The first time, getting ready was really hard. I took 4-5 hours. But I was determined to give up this crutch. The second time ... no problem. The skill has now been acquired. It just takes a certain amount of prep and discipline.

POLYAMORY BIT EXPERIMENT

When I got back from Philly, I decided to see if the polyamory riff could be turned into a bit that stands on it's own. I edited it and tried it at SuperEgo. Mostly it didn't work. I got some chuckles. But, not surprisingly, without the relevancy the material didn't get the response. The one solid laugh the bit did get was when I asked if anyone had heard of polyamory. Only one person responded. So I called her a "slut". That was connected to the room. So it worked.

That's fine. I expected a mediocre response and mostly I was proving a point to myself. I can file that bit away and haul it out when it's relevant to the crowd.

It's fun building a repertoire like this. I've got a nice little menu of bits to choose from these days. It's small but growing. And it helps with crowd work. The larger my bit menu becomes, the better the chance an audience member will say something that provides a hook into a bit.

It's all about looking for those opportunities to create a connection. A mediocre joke can kill when it's relevant.

GAYEST NERD ON THE PLANET

One day at comedy club, Leil David asked my why I carry two PDAs with me everywhere I go. I replied that while I organize my life on the Treo, the only good mobile application for playing the card game of bridge is only available for PocketPC. So, naturally, I need both.

This makes perfect sense to me.

After a moment of considered silence Leil says to me, "Dale your whole act is about being a big gay nerd ... and that is the gayest, nerdiest thing I have ever heard in my entire life."

This struck me funny, so I did what comics do ... I tried to turn it into a bit. Alas, the difference between mobile OS platforms (Palm vs. PocketPC) is too obscure for a general audience to work as a premise. (Guess that's another one I'll have to save for when I headline Linux World.)

But this observation by Leil an some other factors led me to new theme....

"I am on a personal quest to become the gayest nerd on the planet."

This theme has provided fuel for some great writing lately.

Even more satisfyingly, it has provided a link between the opening gay joke in my audition set and the nerd material that comes after it. I have struggled for six months with three sentences and the best segue I could come up with was clumsy at best, and a non-sequitur at worst. I'd been so frustrated with this for so long I finally had to just leave it alone.

But now I've got the perfect link and set up for my nerd material all in one. Prior to this, the nerd jokes lacked cohesion and all just sort of lay together in an unstructured pile, like dirty laundry on the floor. Now they all support an idea.

Thanks for the inspiration, Leil! You rock, buddy.

THE JOY OF RANT

Last week was really frustrating. (Don't ask.) So when SuperEgo came around I wasn't sure what to do. I'd written some material about how I'm too old for gay pride. As the day wore on and the show drew closer my personal emotions began to mix with the material and it hit me that I was in the perfect mood to do an angry set.

So I dug up a few angry jokes and did a whole anti-gay pride rant. It hit the jackpot. Much funny was had.

Angry material feels both dangerous and powerful to me. It's fun and scary to wield such strong emotions. The smart and super funny Sue Ball said to me after the show, "I like the angry stuff. You seem like a ranter."

I am a ranter. In real life, I rant almost constantly. It's pretty much my default mode of communication. I have opinions about virtually everything. It's a constant battle trying to keep them from getting me into trouble. And yet, this is a component of my personality I rarely bring into my act.

The thing I'm trying to wrap my brain around is how to integrate the ranting with my other material which is much more cute and charming. When I've tried to put both into the same set in the past, the audience seems to get emotional whiplash. Not surprising, I suppose, when I can go from endearing to jackass in 2.0 seconds flat. I'm not sure how to guide them through that. So they end up recoiling at the sudden hostility and I lose them.

Charming works by itself. Angry works by itself. I'm not sure if charming and angry can ever meet.

Maybe I should just give up all the nice stuff and become the gay Lewis Black.

One way or the other, the fact that this stuff scares me means I should probably explore it.

That is all.

Missing Lesbians

I miss lesbians.

The irony of the diversity of NYC, is that the city is so large that each demographic group has the luxury of having its own ghetto, its own neighborhood. Many people in NYC don't mingle outside their own kind. So even if you want to meet people who are different from you, it's difficult.

I had a much greater diversity of friends in Utah, one of the most homogenous states in the country, than I do in NYC. Oh the irony!

And more than any people, in my 10 years in NYC, I have really missed lesbians.

Kelli Dunham recently posted in her blog about me, "It makes me quite pleased that-- thanks to performing--I finally have gay male friends again. I had a bunch in Miami, but they all died and then I never replaced them. You know how it is."

I was quite touched by this ... and, of course, a bit saddened. (Thanks, Kelli, love you too!) And it made me realize why Kelli and I have bonded so quickly.

At the moment Kelli and I met, she missed gay men and I missed lesbians. Add to that, how much we have in common as comics and political queers, and it's a match made in heaven.

I'm so privileged to have Kelli Dunham as my friend and creative partner. We're going to do amazing things together.

More about our project very, very soon.